An Old fashioned Relationship

Recently I realized my relationship with a Filipina seems strikingly similar to the relationship my parents had.

This whole train of thought  began when a Facebook friend of mine made the following comment on his page:

“Thinking how tough these girls are here. No power no problem, they know how to cook using sticks and charcoal. No toilet paper ,they can use a tabo. No washing machine ,they know how to use buckets and hands and even the toilet. Don’t have tons of money, most are easy to please being a simple people. These girls are strong willed yet so soft hearted and feminine. That’s a woman for me. That’s someone I want to serve and cherish.”

Well,,, he did happen to post this on his personal page on which he had “western women friends” and the reaction from some of them made me laugh. Among them were comments like: “Be careful…you might have us western gals unfriending you” and “I can do all of those things you mentioned . Stop stereotyping.” The resentful reactions of western women was not unexpected to me , but really showcased why I had given up on a relationship with a western woman and set my sights on the Philippines.

The author of the initial post went on and explained some things that struck a few nerves in me:

“The ladies here want to serve, they serve out of love. They serve out of passion and desire. They aren’t slaves and weak pushovers, in fact they run the family life inside the home. Our text books don’t teach this.

These people are happy because what they have, functions. It isn’t perfect, but parts click together and work.

If our culture worked or our dynamics were functioning I wouldn’t have instincts that declared otherwise. What drives a man to love, lead and serve is missing in our country. Growing up we have been taught a lie on how things….could work…in a so called modern relationship .
But it produces men so weak women don’t respect then and woman so hard men don’t desire them.”

The thought process on the subject, now primed in my brain caused me some hours of deep thought, and this is what I came up with.

First off, my opinion is very strong that the concept of relationships in the west are by and large severely messed up and bluntly put,, broken. This can arguably be said of all types of relationships but for this article I will focus strictly on those intimate relationships between man and woman. I hesitate to blame women for this failure as any and all relationships , by their very definition, means there is simply not only one party involved. Whether relationships fail, or prosper, both parties have to take some share of the responsibility.
So why has the whole concept of relationships failed in the western world? To answer this, I can only rely on my personal experiences.
Growing up, I  did not appreciate my parents relationship. What I saw did not strike me as something that impressed me or instilled motivation to search for the same. It appeared to me there was little love in their relationship and they seemed to be together simply out of duty, or fear that they could not find something else. They argued, seemed to find each other irritating, and exhibited no outwards signs of tenderness towards each other. They each had their own separate and distinct roles in the family structure, my Father being the breadwinner who went out the door every morning to earn the family living, while my Mother stayed home, and took care of the house, always sure to have clean clothes for all of us, and dinner waiting when he and us kids came in the door at the end of the day. To be blunt, it seemed incredibly boring for both of them.
As I reached my late teen years and became seriously interested in developing a relationship of my own, I swore up down and sideways I would NOT end up in one like my Mother and Father seemed to have. I thought I wanted excitement with a beautiful sexy woman on my arms, not an endless boring routine with a loveless partner. In reality I did not have a clue of what I wanted or the actual realities I would be faced with in the coming years. The life of excitement with a beautiful babe on my arms who could endlessly stimulate me sexually and intellectually, was a pipe dream. I was looking for the perfect girl and the perfect relationship in the perfect world. When reality set in, as it always will in this non-perfect world, and I had gone through several failed long term relationships, (and the possibly hundreds of brief ones), I found myself hopelessly cynical, convinced that the the mythical relationships portrayed by actors on the big and small screens, was not in the cards for me.
 Here is where I try and explain that I take my fair share of the responsibility for never attaining a relationship that satisfied me or gave me a worthwhile sense of joy. I had unreasonable expectations, and there were few, if any, women in the real world that could have gave me what I was looking for.
But there is also the other side of the coin and I will not take all the blame of the sorry state of western relationships all by myself. In general (of course there must be exceptions), the women of my culture are as screwed up as I am. I don’t know how they got to that point, but my experiences basically led me to a core belief that western women want their cake and be able to eat it too.  To be “empowered and independent” while also expecting a man to be there when and where it was convenient for them. Seems to me that they want to be “superwomen”, idolized and revered, yet not having to give anything in return. A prime example of this is the tendency of the women I was involved was with to think that it was ok that the money they earned was “theirs”, but the money that I earned was “ours”. In short, they strove hard for the equality they deserved and was unquestionably lacking in previous generations, but did not really understand the definition of the world equality. They wanted it all!

So where did all this leave me?

Cynical yes, but fortunately I went through some major life changing events that required me to take a long hard look at myself. I was able to see and take responsibility for my failings, but also realize where my responsibility ended. I was also able to understand and accept that I need not feel anger or resentment towards western women, because they themselves, like me, were just doing the best that they could. I was able to move on and accept the reality that a relationship with a western women which  might possibly provide me with joy and satisfaction was a long shot. I became secure in myself and my ability to experience a worthwhile life without the need for an intimate partner. I figured I would be alone for the rest of my days and not only was I okay with that thought, I did intend to make the most of it.

Then an amazing thing happened. I discovered the Philippines and the wondrous creatures called Filipinas.

I visited the Philippines several times , and though I did not find immediately a woman that I loved, it was absolutely clear right away that Filipinas were different than Western women. They just were less complicated and seemed to have a pretty clear concept in their mind, what they wanted and expected in a relationship. And it was  simple and basic. They wanted a man that would take care of them,, and in return, they would also take care of their man. They had never been subject to the 20th century western concept that women should strive to be the same as men to prove they were “equal”, but seemed to believe that their equality was due to their ability to contribute equally to the relationship. Both partners in the relationship have roles and though those roles are different neither are less important. Here is where I have to point out some thing about Filiipnas which just might be a myth. They are in no way subservient. Have no doubt, that if you enter into a relationship with a Filipna, they will probably be the “boss” in many respects. Though in public they may defer to you as the head of the family, at home they quickly take over. They might cook clean and tend to your every need, and do so with loving happiness, proud that they have worth, but you would be making a mistake to think you could dictate too much to them about what goes on in the home.
To sum things, the basic concept of relationships in the Philippines is that  man and woman are different. Each have their own roles and responsibilities, however neither role is more important. How friggin simple!!
Well eventually after several false starts, I found a Filipina I fell head over heals in love with, and got married. I will protect and provide for her and our family to my dying breath, and she will play her part by nurturing and pampering us. It is simple and it works. Two people who walk through life side by side, neither one two steps ahead or two steps behind. A true partnership in the most basic sense and something I can easily understand and buy into.

Today the realationship I have with the women I love is similar in to that of my parents, both good and bad. The best part is that I have absolutely no doubt that my wife will be with me through thick and thin and for the right reason, love. With my parents, though I certainly believe that love was the main driving factor behind the longevity of their relationship, there was an issue of codependency based on the fact that my mother was never employed. Sometimes during their arguments, my mother was consumed with insecurity based  on here fear of being unable to work and earn her own living, as well as possibly a sense of worthliness if her role of nurturer was taken away. My wife has a great career and earns more than enough money to be self sufficient, so the same insecurities do not guide her approach to our relationship or any dispute resolution process between us. Like my parents did, we also have clearly defined roles. I fit comfortably into the “protector” role, and even though my wife earns her own living, I do take the lead in overall guidance of the family finances. Shirley on the other hjand nurtures and pampers me. Even though she works all day, the minute we walk in the house I go into lazy spoiled mode. My cloths get dropped wherever I take them off, I sit at the table to read or on the couch to watch TV, and my meal miracoulously appears in front of me a short while later. After I eat, I leave the dirty dishes on the table and somehow they end up cleaned. The next morning I get up, go to my closet and there are clean cloths folded neatly ready to wear. Later, we clim into bed, snuggle,(or more) and fall blissfully to sleep.

On the negative side, just like my parents, we often take each other for granted. We complain about the failings of each rather than the accomplishments and focus on what the other could or should be doing better rather than focussing on the many things that we actually do great. I believe what we both struggle with is acceptance. What I try and do, with limited success I admit, is remember why she was so attractive to me in the first place, and usually come to the conclusion that if she was good enough to fall in love with to begin with just as she was, she is worth continuing to love exactly as she is now. The reality is always that she is the same woman, and the only real thing that has changed is how I look at her. The other negative thing we sometimes fail at is making life exciting. We fall into those boring routines, I so despised my parents relationship for, but there is no one to blame for that except myself, and it is real easy to change. All it takes is an attitude that today I will live life to the fullest and appreciate everything around me.

So here I am, in a relationship beyond my wildest dreams, but one that resembles the relationship my parents had. It is satisfying and it brings me the joy so elusive all my life in my quest for a meaningful relationship with a western woman. How did this happen? The simple answer is I found a woman from a culture which is less pre-occupied or confused with the concepts of feminism and equality and more with old fashioned principle of both parties contributing to a mutually beneficial union. I have to say that it is my opinion now that we got it wrong in the west. We somehow arrogantly thought that we could tear down the walls of of man – woman relationships, start from scratch and build a better model, however all we did was make a mess of it. What we built didn’t work for either party, and now some of us men have decided we have had enough and moved back to women of a culture who are still satisfied with the old fashioned way we in western society threw out.

I know that once I share this articles there will be some negative comments and I believe it will come from several distinct groups. I will be blunt to those people and I will not concern myself with being socially or politically correct while doing so.

  1. Western Women – There will be a pile of you who feel anger and resentment towards me and my ilk who have cast you off as undesirable relationship material, and probably direct those feelings towards me for vocalizing why I persoanlly have looked elsewhere for my happiness. Well, too bad for you. Wake up, face the fact that the concept of relationships in the west is severely broken , and that you are every much to blame as us men. Maybe its time to take a long look in the mirror to see what your responsibility is in that situation, and stop blaming us for everything
  2. Men who  have not found happiness with western women and have just sat around wallowing in self pity. You probably will claim that we who are with a Filipina are deviants who are robbing the cradle and most of your crap comments will be based solely on jealousy because we have what you don’t. Well man up guys! Grow a set of balls and take the leap. there have been many of us who have and gone out and found relationships that work. You can too and ps,,, the majority of us are not involved with Filipinas because we were after sex with hot younger chicks. I will say though for some of us it a great little side benefit for some of us.
  3. Men who have made poor choices with the Filipnas  and now claim all Filipinas are just blood sucking gold diggers. Well to you guys, if you got into a bad one,I would hazard an educated guess and say you most likely made some unwise choices. If you are able to be anything close to honest with yourself, you will probably see that you should take responsibility for ignoring some pretty obvious red flags. Once you man up and do that, you might possibly be able to learn from those mistakes so that if you have the balls to climb on the horse again, you might make a better choice.